The New Sex Positions
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1. THE FELCH-the felch is performed by placing your lips around your partner's butthole and proceeding to suck the feces out of it.
2. THE SHOCKER-the shocker is performed by inserting one of your fingers into you partner's butthole in a rotating manner. Should be done with plenty of lubrication.
3. THE HOOVER-the hoover is performed by mounting your partner from behind and kicking out her arms while lifting her legs. Proceed to push her around the floor like a vacuum cleaner.
4. THE CINCINNATI STEAMER-the cincinnati steamer is performed by squatting over you partner as she performs oral sex on you. Just before orgasm, proceed to deficate on her chest. Many girls love this.
5. THE RAGING BULL-the raging bull is rather complicated. Get a bunch of friends (one with a stop watch) and put them in the closet. Then mount your partner from behind and proceed with sex as one would say"doggie-style" or "briggs-style". Let your friends out of the closet and proceed to hold on to your partner as she tries to get you off of her. Any ride lasting ten seconds should be considered successful.
6. THE MIXTURE-the mixture originated in Simsbury, CT. It
is performed by ejaculating all over the floor. Then, have
your psycho girlfriend menstruate on your semen. Proceed to mix it
with your finger until you get a pink mixture. Then paint your partner's
face with it.
7. THE MANDINGA-also know as the "bowling ball". The mandinga
is performed by inserting your thumb and middle finger into your partner's
vagina and butthole, respectively. You know if you have performed
the mandinga correctly if your partner yells "Mandinga"! If she yells,
"Ow!", you probably did it wrong.
8. THE NOOMSHEBAH-the noomshebah originated in Tariffville, CT. It is performed by disrobing yourself completely and jumping off a dresser yelling "noomshebah". After completing your jump, feel free to touch penises with your partner. Best performed with young boys.
9. THE BLUMPKIN-a personal favorite. The blumpkin is performed
while deficating on the royal throne. Have your partner give you
oral sex as you proceed to relieve yourself. If you find a woman
who actually gives you blumpkin, never, ever talk to her again.
She is not normal.
10. THE MAINE SPECIAL-liberally apply peanut butter to your dick. Then call over the family dog and your sister.
11. THE MUNG-obtain a female that has been dead for 2-3 days (the time since death is important). Then place your mouth just outside her vaginal opening. Have a friend jump on her stomach and try to catch as much stuff as comes out of the vaginal opening as you can in your mouth.
12. THE DONKEY PUNCH-*the* classic. It is performed while practicing the "doggie style" position. Right before climax punch your partner extremely hard in the back of her neck. This will cause her to tighten up, enhancing your climax.
13. THE STRANGER- Sitting on your hand until it falls asleep and then jerking off, eliciting the feeling of a hand job from someone else.
14. PEARL NECKLACE- Well known. Whenever you cum on the neck/cleavage area of a girl - it takes on the look of beautiful jewelry.
15. PURPLE MUSHROOM This occurs when a woman is giving you oral sex and you withdraw your penis in order to poke it back into her cheek. It should leave a lasting impression similar to a purple mushroom.
16. THE FLYING CAMELl- A personal favorite. As she is lying on her back and you are hammering her from your knees, you carefully balance yourself without using your arms to prop yourself up. You then proceed to flap your arms and let out a long, shrieking howl, much like a coyote. Strictly a class move.
17. FISHHOOK- A variation of the shocker in which you pull back towards the pussy after you stick your finger up her anus.
18. THE RAM- Again, you're attacking from behind, when you start ramming her head against the wall in a rhythmic motion. The force of the wall should allow for deeper penetration. Very handy for those lulls in penile sensitivity.
19. DOG IN A BATHTUB- This is the proper name for when you attempt to insert your nuts into a girl's ass. It is so named because it can be just as hard as keeping a dog in the tub while giving it a bath.
20. TOSSING SALAD- Another prison act where one person is forced to basically chow asshole with the help of whatever condiments are available, i.e. Jello, olive oil, etc. I'm never going to prison.
21. PINK GLOVE- This frequently happens during sex when a girl is not wet enough. When you pull out to give her the money, the inside of her twat sticks to your hog. Thus, the pink glove.
22. NEW YORK STYLE TACO- Antyime when you are
so drunk that when you go down, you heave on her box. Happy trails.